To begin, I’d like to share I am conscious I am approaching this topic discussing traditional gender roles and relationships. This is not to negate the experiences of others but to kickstart an important conversation. I also don’t want to assume I know or understand what those who don’t fit these norms experience. Please forgive me for any ignorance I may display, and do let me know if I could have approached this in a better way. I’m always open to feedback and learning.

As I say, “I can’t promise I will always be right, but I promise to always give A Human Perspective.” Let’s go!

There is this fairytale image of what a good woman is. She only wears pastels and pinks, she is softly spoken, her voice like petals floating on the wind, she walks on her tippy toes so as not to disrupt the ground, her arms lightly out from her body, giving her the air of a fairy fluttering across the scene, her eyes big with joy and light, her little soft, pink, lips shifting from faint smile to utter glee. She is never unhappy or angry or disappointed.

When she is upset, she will find somewhere to cry privately, softly and quietly so as not to disturb anyone. After wiping her crystal-like tears, she’ll return to the stage with that utter glee smile back on show again.

She let’s others speak first, never interrupting, only giving her opinion when asked by the one in charge and even then, her answers are never really answers, they’re always a philosophical answer that no one truly understands, she would hate to offend anyone. She’s not expected to add value to a conversation, so it doesn’t matter anyway. She’s just there to bring light, joy and promote harmony and happiness…. and er, diversity.

She’s always at your service, ready to do whatever work needs to be done, waiting for a Prince or King to give her life some validity.

And she lived happily ever after….. right?!

Do you think I’m being little extreme? Well, ask most females who they first admired and emulated when they were very young, too many will tell you Cinderella. Yeah, and I’m one of them. Cinderella is the perfect woman. No matter what happened to her, she remained calm and soft and smiling and this was illustrated (pardon the pun) as an attractive and admirable quality.

The step sisters, on the other hand, were forward, aggressive and selfish, making them ugly. But it’s ok, it all turned out the way it was supposed to, because they didn’t get the prize in the end, or should I say, the Prince.

This expectation of women to have a feather-like personality is planted so deeply, most are unaware of it, but it’s there and it’s impacting the way women are perceived and navigate the workplace.

The fact that being assertive (some would say forward and aggressive) and looking out for yourself (some would say selfish) is seen as ugly is a big reason why many women don’t like to rock the boat, and don’t know how to look after themselves at home or work. They are constantly giving and doing, seeming to be happy... but they aren’t. Talk to them one-on-one and you find out the truth. Many feel diminished, unfulfilled, unheard and exhausted. And the worst part is, we put this pressure on ourselves as much as it is put on us, sometimes more.

The higher a woman the career climbs the ladder, the more harshly she is likely to be perceived. According to a research paper by the Work Psychology Department at University of Liège in Belgium, women managers are faced with a double-edged sword:

if they do not conform to male norms, they risk being judged and evaluated negatively;
if they adopt a “masculine” attitude, they are not accepted by their colleagues

Seems like we’re damned if we do, and damned if we don’t. Either way, people are most comfortable when women conform to feminine norms. This is a heavy weight for women. Some of us naturally lean more towards masculinity, others lean more towards femininity, some sit bang in the middle, exhibiting more of one or the other in different scenarios. None of us want to be judged negatively for where we sit on the scale. We don’t want to spend our time making men feel comfortable with being challenged, over-apologising for being emotional or missing the mark on a task or project or over-explaining our intentions. We just want to be seen as human professionals and navigate work accordingly.

I can dive into this further but I’d rather use this time to focus on solutions.

A lot of people like to claim the title “ally”, but a true ally understands this is not simply a label. Being an ally or an advocate requires real work and real action.

Here are some of my suggestions.

Give women room to speak

Now this has two layers. The first is, encouraging everyone to equally join conversations. If a conversation has been dominated by male voices or vice versa, ask one or two members of the opposite sex for their opinion.

We have to be very careful with this though, because what we don’t want to end up happening is that a woman feels she needs to be brought into the conversation in order to speak. It’s like being given permission to speak.

One way to combat this is during moments of feedback, encouraging women to lean in, speak up and not be afraid to have an opinion or be wrong. I have seen environments where leadership claims everyone has a voice, and yet leaders do not proactively encourage people to use their voice, well, only if they agree.

Values are not simply words, they are actions that make the words true. So if everyone truly has a voice, ensure your people feel empowered across the board to use their voices…. and they need to be able to trust, that you will listen.

Give women room to feel

I have sat with a lot of women who have cried for work-related or personal reasons. They usually say, “OMG! I can’t believe I’m crying! Why am I crying!” … well, why shouldn’t you cry? Who told you you couldn’t? It’s not like you cry at the drop of a hat, something is going on that is bringing up strong emotions… let it out! You’re human and you feel… it’s normal, it’s ok.

But I get it. Even today, it would take a lot for me to cry in front of a manager. It’s not that I don’t feel things, but I simply feel there is no room for this type of emotion. I worry crying would be seen as a display of an excessive amount of emotion. I would be seen as weak and incapable of handling things - particularly myself, so how on earth can I be responsible for anything or anyone else else! Now this is not explicitly true, but it’s the belief I and many other women hold.

Though at work, we do need to be more in control of our emotions, we’re not robots! We’re all human beings, give all people the room to feel their feelings.

Give women real feedback

Please don’t sugarcoat feedback. We’re making the assumption women are not adult enough, mature enough or mentally and emotionally capable of receiving constructive feedback. This is simply not true. Feedback is not always easy to hear, but it’s through this that we learn how to improve and we grow.

Women do not need to be protected from learning. Though positive feedback is always good, in order to truly grow, one of the biggest lessons in one’s career is learning to absorb and act on feedback that isn’t positive.

Create a safe space for women to open up

Can the women who work with you be honest with you about some of the things they’re struggling with in their personal life? Whether it’s the stress of IVF treatment, balancing work and children or other familial or relationship or personal pressures. This isn’t always necessary but women need to know they can do this and they will be supported. This doesn’t mean they’re expected to do less work, but perhaps there can be flexibility on deadlines or work schedule. Women need to know they can open up and what they share won’t be used against them.

Ask women what they need

If you really want to know what women need to feel supported and to be successful at work, ask them. Anonymous surveys are always a great way to get feedback on culture, benefits and how work impacts people’s personal lives.

A lot of company benefit structures are great but they often follow a one size fits all model. How do your benefits help women not have to decide between personal life and work? What benefits/schemes do you have in place to support life events that men don’t need to worry about?

Support partners

A lot of women put their careers on hold when they have children, usually because they’re worried about being able to perform in work as they did prior to having a baby. My question is, why should a woman who doesn’t want to choose, have to choose?

We are penalised for the allotment of biology. It’s not like women can have a conversation with their respective male partner, ending with a dual of rock-paper-scissors to decide who has the baby. There is no choice for many families, and the woman is penalised for it. Then the child is born, and though things are changing, the likelihood is that childcare will fall heavily on the shoulders of the woman.

One game-changing way of supporting women, is supporting their partners, specifically men. By this, I mean normalising men taking time off or working from home to look after the kids, supporting men during the early stages of having a child by providing significant paternity leave. Two weeks is ok, but’s it’s nowhere near enough. Support men so the homemaking responsibility doesn’t fall on the working wife. Is the culture safe enough for the partner to ask for extra time with the newborn, can s/he go with their partner for IVF treatments, can s/he take time off due to loss? Really consider how your company’s culture supports partners in being better partners by enabling them to share responsibility more effectively.

Change how we perceive and talk about women

We really need to change our perception of women overall, how we talk about and assess them, and how we expect them to show up, behave and interact at work.

From what I have seen, a woman's value is often in how she makes others feel, i.e. safe, warm, nurturing, open-bosom-like. And this is sometimes valued above output, effectiveness and productivity.

Some years ago, I was having a conversation with a senior manager I respected. She had had a very successful career, and she was a wonder to watch and work with. We were having a conversation, and I responded jokingly, "Ok, mum!"

"I am NOT your mum! Believe me! I... am... NOT... your... mum!"

Whoah... What happened here? Did I miss something? She was very insulted, and I couldn't understand why at the time. We got on really well, and it was a joke. Today, I understand why.

For those of us who don't subscribe to outdated western ideas of femininity, navigating the workspace can be difficult, especially in spaces dominated by men. This senior manager had worked in such spaces and I can only imagine how much she had to shut down or selectively not hear in order to climb the career ladder in the exceptional fashion that she did.

When a woman joins a company, she is not there to be your mother, wife or daughter. She is a professional who has been hired to share and utilise her skills and experience for the attainment of her individual, team and company goals. If anything else is expected of you, you should question why and ask yourself if you’re working in the right place.

Final Thoughts

We’re not looking to be treated with dainty gloves or like delicate flowers. We are looking to be seen, understood and supported accordingly. We’re not looking for a leg up, but we are looking for everyone, including other women, to do the work needed to make real changes that will impact women’s working and personal lives positively.

You will notice I have not mentioned things like “Give women opportunities” or “Promote women”. I believe companies should promote the best performer and not simply promote to fulfil some BS diversity quota. As long as there is a system for promotion heavily based on outcome and development, rather than gut feelings, then this is fair enough. However, this only really works when all the areas mentioned above are worked on.